As I find out that I have the opportunity to take a position within a company that I see a TON of growth I am excited. Yes because it will not only benefit this company to have me as an employee but for myself, and my family which is most important.
Now there are alot of emotions that come along with this.
Sadness because my home has always been Utah- I always told myself I would move one day but then when the conversation came up I always backed out. In fear I am not sure. I think because I have always been so close to my family and I have always wanted to be around for everyone. Well its time to live for Leinati and her husband and her kids. Time to benefit myself and be selfish. One thing I am not. It will be very hard I am sure for me to leave but I know I am not far and I know I always have a home if I need one.
Excitement because I can start with a company that knows my background but trusts my ability and also trusts that I will benefit them and that is all that matters. Which there is only a way up and not down for me. One thing that has always stopped me from excelling is because of my background. I have always been so scared to try to go above and move upwards because of this one obstical I didn't know I could overcome.
Guilt- I think comes along with almost everything I do now a days.
Am I suppose to be happy that I got another job that will benefit us.
Am I suppose to be happy to move to another state.
Sometimes to this day I still wish the world would freeze until I am ready to continue. I know realistically that isn't possible.
My little Angel would be 1 years old in a bout a month. I am sad because I don't get to see her blow out a candle. I don't get to see her take her 1st step, or potty train her. As much as I hate potty training I would give up the world to potty train my little girl.
I still get sick to my stomach when I hear little kids cry. I still feel nervous when I think wow there are other people that are still going to get pregnant and still move on with life.
I wish there was a way I could heal my little ones pain. I know they have it. I think they supress it more than anything. They are very observant with what happens on a daily basis within our family as far as what makes mommy and daddy sad. If it does they try to avoid it. I feel bad they even have to worry about stuff like that.
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Leinati,
ReplyDeleteFrom one mother to another, it's absolutely heart breaking to hear you cry out in pain for your precious baby girl. It brings tears to my eyes as I read your entries. The pain that you're going through is a pain no parent should not ever have to experience. Nothing that anybody can say is going to dull the pain your family is still going through. Especially the sadness that you and your husband are having.
I'm sorry to read that your husband is shutting you out when this is the time when you both should be embracing eachother. Embracing God...
Men always seem to handle everything in life with a different approach. An approach I still have not yet figured out. I don't understand why it's so hard for them to just "SAY" what they are feeling. It would make life so much easier to handle with them in it.
Sweetie, I don't have the words or a magic wand to make it all go away, but what I can offer you is "GOD"
Your precious lil girl is right by his side. My favorite song to hear is "CALL ON JESUS" by Nicole C. Mullin. Look it up on youtube.com
You're not alone, Leinati. You can always come to me if you ever need to vent,talk,need an ear to listen, or just have a good cry. I have the best places to go meditate. I go cry alot myself.....
You're in my thoughts and prayers!
Hugs & Blessings!
Consuelo Cordova