Excited, Sad all of the above

As I find out that I have the opportunity to take a position within a company that I see a TON of growth I am excited. Yes because it will not only benefit this company to have me as an employee but for myself, and my family which is most important.
Now there are alot of emotions that come along with this.
Sadness because my home has always been Utah- I always told myself I would move one day but then when the conversation came up I always backed out. In fear I am not sure. I think because I have always been so close to my family and I have always wanted to be around for everyone. Well its time to live for Leinati and her husband and her kids. Time to benefit myself and be selfish. One thing I am not. It will be very hard I am sure for me to leave but I know I am not far and I know I always have a home if I need one.
Excitement because I can start with a company that knows my background but trusts my ability and also trusts that I will benefit them and that is all that matters. Which there is only a way up and not down for me. One thing that has always stopped me from excelling is because of my background. I have always been so scared to try to go above and move upwards because of this one obstical I didn't know I could overcome.
Guilt- I think comes along with almost everything I do now a days.
Am I suppose to be happy that I got another job that will benefit us.
Am I suppose to be happy to move to another state.
Sometimes to this day I still wish the world would freeze until I am ready to continue. I know realistically that isn't possible.
My little Angel would be 1 years old in a bout a month. I am sad because I don't get to see her blow out a candle. I don't get to see her take her 1st step, or potty train her. As much as I hate potty training I would give up the world to potty train my little girl.
I still get sick to my stomach when I hear little kids cry. I still feel nervous when I think wow there are other people that are still going to get pregnant and still move on with life.
I wish there was a way I could heal my little ones pain. I know they have it. I think they supress it more than anything. They are very observant with what happens on a daily basis within our family as far as what makes mommy and daddy sad. If it does they try to avoid it. I feel bad they even have to worry about stuff like that.

Love him

Today was such an odd day in my eyes. I wake up so early to get my house in order for my sister Tauyna to come and stay with us. Long day of cleaning etc. Dance, football etc.
I just now realized I didn't even ask my baby how is day was. That is something we had decided to do with eachother everyday.
I did ask him how he was doing and he said he was just down a bit. I can normally tell when he is down just by his facial expressions. There are so many days when I WISH I could have more down days than him. Only because I feel like he has so many down days they over power the good ones. I want him to one day not think he is cursed and deserves all the pain in the world.

When he was having a really rough day the other day and he kept saying "Why not him?" I was so sad. Because I did lose my daughter who was cheated out of a full life with us. But I don't know how I would ever heal without him if it was him. He doesn't know it or maybe feel like it but he is really my ROCK. He is the reason I keep it moving. yes the kids also. But I just always think of all the struggles he has been through and if he is still standing in front of me then I can keep it moving to. He really is my strength. We do have our days but overall I KNOW we love eachother, we care about eachother! Alot of couples are doing it to do it. We are doing it because we love eachother.

just a day

I stayed home last night to lay with my baby and just hold him while he cried. Hysterically, it is so sad when you see your children are hurting but you always know you can fix their pain. But to see my husband so sad knowing I can't fix his pain. This is one pain I can't fix and probably will never be able to. Because I can't even fix my own pain.

I wish there was so much more I could do to help him. All I know I can do right now is hold him when he is sad. listen when he wants to vent. Rub his back when he can't fall asleep.

blah

I woke up this morning just being tired, and unsure of how the rest of the day was going to go. Then as it goes on I feel so confused, sad, hurt, in awe, and BLAH.

Confused: because I feel as though things are so contradictive in our relationship. Ren is able to go EVERYDAY to his friends house even if its to hang for a couple hours. BUT I go anywhere and it always turns out being drama. I mean I really like to just be at home with the family and be more laid back. If I want something extra I might hang with someone and someone with Kids since I have kids also so they can entertain themselves. Ren doesn't seem to understand my reasoning behind that. He just automatically assumes it means I am just trying to NOT be around him.

Sad: Because of more than one thing. I am always sad everyday, there isnt a day that goes by and I dont feel sad inside. I might not show it or act out on it but I feel it in my heart.
Sad: Because I am so tired of hearing someones true feelings about how they feel in regards to my kids. When I got into this relationship the fact that Ren got along with my kids was fabulous an the fact that I enjoyed his time and company was a bonus. I guess its just me when I look at things differently. But there is nothing I can do to change that, or I dont know how to. But what is there you can do to change someones opinion.
Hurt: Because I feel like I try hard to do certain stuff to make our relationship better even when we argue but I get no credit for that. All I ever hear is how much someone can't stand me, I am a Bitch, Idiot something along those lines. I know I am not perfect but I really thought I was doing better. I dont know I try to look from the outside, but no one else does so its frustrating.

Everyone always wants a relationship that is like mine and Ren's which at times I wonder why. We aren't any better than the next person. At times I wonder how we really got this far. I will cry and ask my self if things would be different if Renasia was here? Not that it matters because that can't be changed. But it just makes me wonder because we have so many emotions inside due to her passing that we just don't focus on anyone else or even eachother as a couple.

I miss my little Angel more than I can even describe to anyone. I can't even say anymore I wish she was here because that is ONE wish that will never come true. But I do wish I could get some kind of a sign to find out how she is doing, I know she is safe but as a mother its just normal. I beg for a dream, one to see her just happy like she was just starting to be. Not sad, or in pain or hurting. I can't get rid of those ones. I need something that will make me smile, and cry of happiness.

I want so bad to have a normal day. I am not sure if I will ever have one of those.

I want a day where I can walk down the road, and not turn my head if I seen an ambulance.
I want a day where if I see a life flight helicopter my stomach doesn't hurt.
I want a day where I can walk in the grocery store and not intentionally take a detour so I dont pass the baby isle.
I want a day where I can see a little baby and not feel my stomach turn into knots.
I want a day where I can look at a picture and not feel tears fall down my face.
I want a day where my little girl doesn't have to ask me if I am crying because I miss Renasia.