blah

I woke up this morning just being tired, and unsure of how the rest of the day was going to go. Then as it goes on I feel so confused, sad, hurt, in awe, and BLAH.

Confused: because I feel as though things are so contradictive in our relationship. Ren is able to go EVERYDAY to his friends house even if its to hang for a couple hours. BUT I go anywhere and it always turns out being drama. I mean I really like to just be at home with the family and be more laid back. If I want something extra I might hang with someone and someone with Kids since I have kids also so they can entertain themselves. Ren doesn't seem to understand my reasoning behind that. He just automatically assumes it means I am just trying to NOT be around him.

Sad: Because of more than one thing. I am always sad everyday, there isnt a day that goes by and I dont feel sad inside. I might not show it or act out on it but I feel it in my heart.
Sad: Because I am so tired of hearing someones true feelings about how they feel in regards to my kids. When I got into this relationship the fact that Ren got along with my kids was fabulous an the fact that I enjoyed his time and company was a bonus. I guess its just me when I look at things differently. But there is nothing I can do to change that, or I dont know how to. But what is there you can do to change someones opinion.
Hurt: Because I feel like I try hard to do certain stuff to make our relationship better even when we argue but I get no credit for that. All I ever hear is how much someone can't stand me, I am a Bitch, Idiot something along those lines. I know I am not perfect but I really thought I was doing better. I dont know I try to look from the outside, but no one else does so its frustrating.

Everyone always wants a relationship that is like mine and Ren's which at times I wonder why. We aren't any better than the next person. At times I wonder how we really got this far. I will cry and ask my self if things would be different if Renasia was here? Not that it matters because that can't be changed. But it just makes me wonder because we have so many emotions inside due to her passing that we just don't focus on anyone else or even eachother as a couple.

I miss my little Angel more than I can even describe to anyone. I can't even say anymore I wish she was here because that is ONE wish that will never come true. But I do wish I could get some kind of a sign to find out how she is doing, I know she is safe but as a mother its just normal. I beg for a dream, one to see her just happy like she was just starting to be. Not sad, or in pain or hurting. I can't get rid of those ones. I need something that will make me smile, and cry of happiness.

I want so bad to have a normal day. I am not sure if I will ever have one of those.

I want a day where I can walk down the road, and not turn my head if I seen an ambulance.
I want a day where if I see a life flight helicopter my stomach doesn't hurt.
I want a day where I can walk in the grocery store and not intentionally take a detour so I dont pass the baby isle.
I want a day where I can see a little baby and not feel my stomach turn into knots.
I want a day where I can look at a picture and not feel tears fall down my face.
I want a day where my little girl doesn't have to ask me if I am crying because I miss Renasia.