Missing things in life...

When I wake up in the morning I am missing things in life.

When I walk around daily I am still missing things in my life.

When I lay down to take a nap I am missing things in my life.

When I play with the kids I am missing things in my life.

When we get ready to go to sleep I am missing things in my life.

How does one stop the pain of loosing a child?

Is this a question that will have an answer?

Everyday I want to lay down and not move because I miss my Sweet Angel.

Everyday I want to stare at her pictures and wish I could hold her.

Everyday I want to scream because she was cheated the opportunity to get to know me.

Everyday I feel pissed off because she wasn't given the chance to

walk, talk, laugh, yell, pee in her pants, go to school, or watch mommy and daddy get married.

I wake up wishing it was all a dream. But now it's been 6mths and it still hurts like that very 1st moment of all those manchines beeping and me begging Ren to help me let her go.

How does a parent make that choice? I honestly am not sure because I wanted her to stay so bad, I wanted to be selfish and fight with God and not let her go. Do I regret my choice I made?

YES everday! I always wonder if I wouldn't of stopped them is there any possibility things would of changed? Would she still be in the hospital and would I have still been selfish?

I have never been one to be selfish. I have always put everyone first. Still again I didn't put my feelings 1st.

My heart aches when I think about her.

My eyes water when I look at her pictures.

My stomach turns when I have visions of January 12, 2009.

As a mother you never want to loose a child.

When they grow up we wish they was younger again.

When they are gone, you wish you could have them back. Thats all I do is wish. But I know this is ONE wish that will never come true even when I wish upon a star.

I do wish I would of taken her place, and given her the oppoturnity to stay with her family longer. I have lived my life. I am sure there is more I could live but without this little Miracle that was brought into my life I feel so empty. Even though I have 3 other beautiful kids I still feel the void that hurts.

Why would God give me something so beautiful that I wasn't suppose to have in the 1st place just to take her away from me. Did I need to learn a lesson? If so what was it? Have I learned it? What did I do so wrong in my life to have a child taken from me? I have hurt people in their lives, are choices I have made in my past effecting my future? Do I have regrets? Of course everyday I regret things I did, as they always say If I could go back and change things I would.

Now to this day my body is weak, my mind is not there and my heart is missing a piece.

I walk around with my eyes open, but they aren't focused.

I smile for everyone else but that smile is really a frown inside.

I have tears that want to flow but I hold them in when I can.

Do I really love my life right now as I always say I do?

If I had my one missing piece to my heart I could honestly say my life is perfect.

How many people can say they have everything they want in life?

I am not one to have a ton of money. I can live comfortably if I have my family and love!

I would rather be poor than to not ever experience love. The love of your parents, sisters, brothers etc. The love from a child you carried for 9 mths. then raised to be great son's or daughter's. The love from a man that can look at you and smile even when he is sad.

There are so many things I could say right now, not sure if it matters. But I will say loosing my daughter opened my eyes to not live as if tomorrow was going to be promised to me. I am living as though I am unsure. But I will say I couldn't spare to loose anyone else I love. If Ren and me didn't make it through this long battle I would be so heart broken. My heart then would be half full. I don't want a half full heart! I don't know what I can do to fix any of this or if its even possib le. But all I can do is remind Ren that I am here and if he needs me I will always be here and just hope that is enough. I don't want to ever pull the plug on my love and my husband as I feel I did with my daughter.

Renasia Colleen Hackley aka My Nasia,

Mommy misses you so much, I don't even think I can explain to you.

That day mommy wishes things would of played out so different. I wish I would of never left you in the room. I wish I would been holding you. I wish I could of done something else.

Mommy is sorry for not being selfish I don't know if that is good or bad at this point.

Mommy hopes you forgive me and understand that is wasn't an easy choice to make even though it all happened so fast.

Mommy wants you to know that when I first found out you was coming into this world I was scared, but very happy that God was giving me the opportunity all over again to show another child that I am the best mommy.

Even though we only had a little bit of time to spend together I am so glad I was home with you everyday! Even when I wasn't happy to hear you cry in the middle of the night I wish I could hear it now. I wish you would pee on me like you always did! I was never fast enough for you.

When I would whisper in your ear mommy loves you so you would calm down I meant it!

Within that short time you made the impact of a life time on all of us.

Renasia as long as you always know mommy loves you and wishes I was holding you everday. But I can't I need to continue to take care of Daddy, Kita, KJ, and Renati. I hope you understand one day if you don't already. I know one day I will be able to give you that kiss that I have longed to do for so long. Renasia please watch over us! You are truly our Miracle Angel an always will.

Can I ask that you have God give me some strength to help Daddy. I need it more than ever right now. I am sorry baby I haven't prayed I don't know why I haven't sometimes I wonder if that is my punishment by loosing you. I do still to this day blame myself for that scary day for you. I know you was so scared and confused. Please know I am truly sorry for that day ever coming! Know when we think of you we smile at how pretty you were, and all the funny things you did do. We cry because we miss you. You will always be in our hearts, minds and one day we will all be together again!

Love Mommy!!!!!